I’m Sorry.

--- Today, my friends decided to watch a horror film AND a film about the mentally ill. When I asked “Can you please, after the clip, not describe what you saw?”

---They tell me: You’re overreacting.

Dear friends,

            I know that at times my fears may be considered as an overreaction to you. And I’m so sorry about that. The truth is, I don’t know what to do about it. All I can say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m afraid of dolls and their eyes. I’m sorry I’m afraid of people who are mentally ill. I’m sorry I’m afraid of being alone. I’m sorry I’m afraid of the dark. I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you. I’m sorry I’m not as tough and brave. I’m deeply sorry for that.

            You see, the thing is, I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to face them. As much as I try to face them, I’m afraid that I might collapse again, and this time, my father won’t be there to take me. You don’t know what it’s like to live in a place where you always have to be careful, where you always have to be prim and proper, to always be sensitive of others. I guess, because of that, I grew up to be a weak one. To be so dependent.

            I’m scared of those things because I had my fare share of experiences, and somehow, thank GOD I forgot why. That’s why I can’t explain why I’m afraid of them. All I know is that when I’m on the verge of a situation to face all my fears, I breakdown, and cry, and somehow I can’t breathe. Again, maybe, another overreaction to you.

            I counted on all of you, to respect my fears and to never dwell on them, or to never toy with them. I counted on you to use your arms and block my sight when a picture forms. I counted on you to stop people who toy with my feelings. But I guess, I was very much just assuming  that you would.

            It hurts to be told that you’re over reacting about all of this. And deep inside, I cry when they laugh at what I fear. It hurts. Soooo much. It hurts because not only am I irrevocably afraid of all it, I can’t do a damn thing about it. It’s a phobia. And you should never play with that.

FACE YOUR FEARS! – they all say. I would. But there’s a fine line between “I won’t” and  “I can’t”.

            Do you think I like to be afraid? Do you think I pray to be such a coward? Do you honestly think I don’t envy the times when you all just jam and watch a horror film, while I’m at the corner just trying to make myself busy?? I hate it. Of course, I hate it!

            I’m sorry I can’t be brave enough like all of you. All I ask is that you won’t ever tamper with what I feel. Because honestly, I’m already scared, I’m scared. And I thought I would be safe, because you’re all there.

Tsk tsk. Guess I was wrong.